Boundaries That Don’t Feel Like Walls: How to Set Limits After Trauma
*skip to the end for the TLDR if you are short on time or attention span today*
Do boundaries feel scary or uncomfortable after trauma? You are not alone. For many people with trauma histories, saying no or asking for space can feel dangerous. You might notice yourself overexplaining, second guessing, or feeling anxiety after even a small limit. If this resonates with you, keep reading. You are not broken. Your nervous system learned these patterns to help you survive, and now it is learning how to feel safe in a new way.
Why Boundaries Can Feel Scary After Trauma
After trauma, your body often prioritizes connection over self-protection. Research on interpersonal trauma shows that when safety once depended on others’ reactions, your nervous system can become hyper-aware of how your boundaries might impact relationships. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory explains why even reasonable boundaries can trigger a threat response. Your nervous system is simply trying to keep you safe, even if that strategy is no longer necessary.
Walls, People-Pleasing, and Healthy Boundaries
It can help to distinguish between walls, people-pleasing, and true boundaries. Walls are rigid and reactive, shutting people out to avoid getting hurt. People-pleasing is the opposite: overextending yourself while abandoning your own needs to stay connected. Boundaries live in the middle. They are flexible, intentional, and rooted in self-respect. Research on relational healing shows that clear boundaries improve emotional safety and support more secure, honest relationships over time. Judith Herman’s work on trauma recovery highlights that empowerment and choice are essential, and boundaries are one way this empowerment shows up in daily life.
Small and Compassionate Boundary Scripts
Boundaries don’t have to be harsh to be effective. In fact, gentle boundaries are often the most sustainable. Dialectical Behavior Therapy, developed by Marsha Linehan, emphasizes interpersonal effectiveness skills that balance self-respect with care for others. You can start practicing with small scripts:
“I’m not able to talk about that right now.”
“I need a little time to think before I answer.”
“That doesn’t work for me, but thank you for asking.”
“I care about you, and I also need to take care of myself here.”
These are not walls. They are signals to your nervous system and the people around you that your needs matter.
Taking Up Space is Part of Healing
Learning to set boundaries is also learning to take up space. Trauma often teaches people to shrink, minimize their needs, or stay overly agreeable to stay safe. Research on self-compassion by Kristin Neff and colleagues shows that treating yourself with care supports emotional regulation and resilience. Giving yourself permission to take up space is not selfish—it is a necessary part of relational healing.
Remember
You are allowed to have limits and still be kind. You are allowed to protect your energy and stay connected. Boundaries are not mastered overnight. They are practiced, adjusted, and repaired over time. At Moxie Healing Collective, we believe boundaries are not about pushing people away—they are about creating relationships that feel safer, more honest, and more sustainable for everyone involved.
TLDR
Boundaries can feel scary after trauma because the nervous system learned that connection was survival
Walls shut people out, people-pleasing abandons the self, healthy boundaries create balance
Research shows that clear boundaries support safer and more secure relationships
Small, compassionate scripts are the easiest place to start
You are allowed to take up space and still care deeply about others
Try This Today
Say a tiny yes or no out loud. Practice with something low-stakes like “I can’t commit to that meeting” or “I need a moment to think.” Notice how your body responds.
Write a boundary script. Draft one sentence you can use this week to honor your needs. Keep it short, polite, and kind to yourself.
Check your space. Physically take up a little more room—feet grounded, shoulders relaxed. Small body adjustments remind your nervous system you have the right to exist fully.
Self-compassion pause. When guilt or fear rises after setting a boundary, say to yourself: “It’s okay to need this. My needs matter.” Repeat as needed.
Boundaries are practice. Every small step builds courage, safety, and connection inside yourself and with others.
